"You'd better be prepared for the for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."
"I am so hip, I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
"He hadn't asked to be here. If he was asked at this moment where he would like to be he would probably have said he would like to be lying on the beach with at least fifty beautiful women and a small team of experts working out new ways they could be nice to him."
"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"
"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."
"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
" ...Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons."
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
"A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do."
"It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."
"Sometimes I think the surest sign of intelligent life is that none has tried to contact us."
"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
"I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know."
"You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out alive."
"I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four."
"Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you really want something, try to want it a little less."
"When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones."
"Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison."
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason."
"You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER."
"How to get my attention: Uh, there's always nudity or free cheese."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
"Who needs luck when you possess unlimited amounts of incompetence like me?"
"Nothing can be made foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."
"A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body."
"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about."
"It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark."
"If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy?"
"God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter."
"The universe is laughing behind your back."
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
"What you don't know would make a great book."
"Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities."
"An Arizona judge is suing Barry Manilow because the concert he attended was too loud. Any Barry Manilow concert where you can actually hear the music is grounds for a lawsuit."
, Comedy Central web site
"Part of the loot went for gambling, part for horses, and part for women. The rest I spent foolishly."
"At least half of the exercise I get every day comes from jumping to conclusions."
"The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!"
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
"If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it."
"Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts."
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
"Plato had slaves...George Washington had slaves...So, do I feel intrinsically better than these two men? Of course I do! They're dead!"
"Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them."
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular."
"You are right on target when you say that mad scientists have a total disregard for the wellbeing of others. We don't want to spread evil; we just see no point in bothering to spread good."
"Research shows that jazz enthusiasts are 30% more sexually active than the average person. This is good news, unless you're the average person."
"I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones."
"However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea."
"To a fly, I'm enormous."
"These pencils are electronically marked so, if you steal them, you will be hunted down."
, Announced as he handed out some #2 pencils to a class
"I am the emperor, and I want dumplings."
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans."
"Women, can't live with 'm, can't shoot 'm."
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
"Everybody's obsessed with Bizooms, it's just whether you hide it or not."
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating part of the body,
but then I realized who was telling me that."
, From the TV show Dr. Katz
"I'm more comfortable critisizing people behind their back."
"Lily Devalier would have been beside herself except that there wasn't enough room at the table."
"...yeah I ate it- and I love cheese- and i washed it down with a 24 bottle case of pepsi-cola"
"It is to erase the fixed smiles of sleeping couples that Satan trained roosters to crow at 5 in the morning."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?">br<
"A little early isn't it, Woody?">br<
"For a beer?">br<
"No, for stupid questions."
"His big brain wanted the respect of his soul as much as he wanted the
respect of his passengers. His brain had a life of its own, and the time
would come when he would actually try to fire it for having misled him."
"Intrigued by the problem being initiated by KSV, I decided to try my
luck at solving the problem. This was a bit difficult, because I was
dodging machine-gun bullets at the time."
"At that point, so much energy will have gone into the pressure cooker
that the geometry of space-time may very well begin to distort, and the
dimensionality of space-time may change. The space around our kitchen
may very well become unstable, a rip may form in the fabric of space,
and a wormhole may appear in the kitchen. At this point, it may be
advisable to leave the kitchen."
"Light beer is evil. It's like drinking dishwater: it tastes foul and you're not sure what the point of drinking it is."
"They've got wings! Some of them can fly!"
"If I had a urinal here I'd be having a good time."
"It doesnt matter how jacked you are, you cant pick up chicks without a face."
"Ha Ha! Ill hide these in plain sight!"
"Bet theyd run a lot faster if Brett and I were chasing after them with Harleys and baseball bats."
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
"Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean."
"When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive."
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it."
"Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
"Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell."
"Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words."
"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty four year old level."
"Better not do that in here. Some people might get offended."
"Yeah, I left my Paula Abdul CD at home and I cry myself to sleep."
"Alcohol Appreciation Major - Students who drink Guinness cannot take any 100 level courses."
"I like frozen twinkies, but I do not eat them all of the time."
"One bonus for coming to class late is that it ends earlier."
"Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no."
"Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward."
"I think it would be a good idea."
, When asked what he thought of Western civilization.
"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
"What you have here is apples to donuts."
"You don't know it's right because it's wrong."
"I'm not a man in the kitchen."
"I had a bad experience with a hairy back once."
"I've always been a woman."
"Oh, I missed that. I was getting stoned."
"Do you ever get on your own nerves?"
"That Dave, he's amazing. He's got his hands all over the place."
...so my doctor said i wouldn't get so many nose bleeds if i'd just keep my darn finger out of there...
Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
You're only the jerk you think you are.
"All I need is MTV and Lifetime."
"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards."
"To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable."
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
"There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
"I didnt lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth"
"They're jelly beans, not people."
, After being scolded for throwing away bad jelly beans
"I got a tingle in my toes from a tangerine jelly bean."
"When someone asks you, 'Did that hit your face?' you know things could be going better for you."
"I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do."
"Why did the chicken cross the road?...Because you're drunk."
"Kentucky Fried Panda...it's finger Ling Ling good."
"Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!"
, From the movie Mallrats
"She calls you callow in here."
"You say that like it's bad."
"Well, it means frightened and weak-willed."
"Shit, that was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary."
, From the movie Mallrats
"It's too bad that being useless isn't an olympic sport."
"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don't have enough nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts."
"If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off."
"Even with military training, there is no way a man can accidentally blow his head off with a shotgun."
"I did turn 75 today -- but remember, that's only 24 Celcius."
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening."
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
"There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence."
"I get a top of the line phone, but imitation wheat thins."
"I met Kurt before Nirvana broke. Surprisingly, he was a fan of my standup. That's like finding out that Jimmy Hendrix really loved Carrot Top."
"I get paid all day, every day, which is almost too much for a sensitive artist."
"Busty women and beer. If you've got one, you'll forget you don't have the other and if you've got both you'll forget you need anything else."
"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.
Busty women and beer. If you've got one, you'll forget you don't have the other and if you've got both you'll forget you need anything else.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.